Train the Brain

Have you ever found yourself repeatedly going over the same issues with a partner, family member, friend or even your dog? Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, divides all business into three categories: mine, yours and God’s (or your higher power if you will). Some people escape the content of their own lives by obsessing about the other two categories. Whenever you become intensely focused on changing someone else’s behavior (including your dog’s), you might want to check what part of your own business you are avoiding.

Every one experiences mental turbulence (MT), some more than others. The way we deal with turbulence makes a huge difference in the outcome. Give yourself permission to observe your MT, without judgment or repression. It is what it is and you need to embrace it. However, if you can then imagine that all the things, people or dogs (I’ll refer to them as others) causing this turbulence were suddenly whisked away to Katmandu, leaving you with nobody to change --- except yourself, what stuff is waiting for you? Is it frightening? Saddening? Unfamiliar? Observe your own resistance, offer yourself some empathy, and then commit to bouncing back and facing your problems with solutions, preferably win-win-ones. Better yet, ask a trusted friend or partner for help. If this bothers you, seek outside help with someone that you feel comfortable with.

Train the Brain: Here is some good old behaviorist training that you can use: This is a simple procedure, grounded in the fact that animals (including humans) will repeat behaviors that are positively rewarded and decrease those that aren’t. I love behaviorist training (BT) because, in contrast to some of the other noble approaches and some that aren’t so noble (aversive and punishing), BT doesn’t require tedious virtues (open communication, self-examination, yada yada). It is simply plain ole invisible and, of course, well intentioned, bribery.

Here we go: Begin by identifying small, easy-to-give treats your (other = O) really loves: praise, chocolate, massage, a spontaneous surprise, hard rubber objects, something that vibrates … walk in the park; go ahead list as many things as you can that you feel will motivate them? Then, pick the one or two and save the rest for another time. I must admit that I receive tremendous results with delicious treats, massage, walks, hard rubber, a game of tug and things that bounce. Hand over the rewards whenever that (other) does something you like, especially something that replaces the behavior you most hate.

Don’t tell the (O) what you are doing, and don’t react to the annoying behavior at all (carrots are much more effective than sticks). At first, reward behavior that goes anywhere near what you’d like to see. Then, as the positive behavior increases, offer the reward for more specific actions.

I often use this technique with dog trainers in my classes. Before telling the group what is expected of the dog, I ask students to look excited and attentive every time the dog “sits” or “wags their tail” or “sparkles … puts their ears up”. I ask them to frown and look disappointed if the dog doesn’t sit or looks inattentively lethargic. When the dog does something the handler absolutely doesn’t want, I suggest they frown big-time, drop their eyes and turn away. In some cases, depending on the intensity of the behavior and intention of the handler, I recommend they turn their backs and/or walk away while still holding on to the leash (only 6-feet please unless you really know your dog).

After about 3 – 5 minutes of this, most dogs are eagerly sitting, wagging a tail or, at least, have stopped lunging because they don’t know what the heck the handler is going to do next. That’s the point. The handlers have shifted their behaviors to get a different one from the dogs. There are scientific terms for this my book, Train Your Dog, Change Your Life, but we don’t need to go there.

Likewise, I’ve seen sedentary people turn into exercise fanatics, family members actually say “please and thank you”, slobs develop sophisticated manners, and undemonstrative folks become affectionately expressive, all because someone rewarded them consistently and judiciously for a new behavior! This method does require persistence, like house-training a puppy, but if you are up to it, you will find it highly effective.

I know this strategy may seem conniving, but would you rather shower an (other) with hugs, kisses and treats or emerge form a mental mist to find you’ve strangled them for doing their weirdo falsetto whining for ten minutes or put the wet dishes on top of the ones you just dried again? Look for meaning in maddening moments, take your share of the blame, and use gentle positive means of changing behavior. Change yourself and you can change an (other) including your dog’s jump up, knock you through the wall behavior or a mate’s nervous butt scratching in front of company. Have fun!

~ Awareness, Education, Relationship ~

Excerpts from Maureen Ross & Gary Ross, “Train Your Dog, Change Your Life”, Martha Beck’s “Finding Adam” & “The Joy Diet” and Byron Katie’s, “Loving What Is”.