UNDERSTANDING THE LOSS OF A PET

A loved one can be any being that shares your life and your heart.  That love knows no species boundaries.  The same range and intensity of emotions are experienced.  As Moira Anderson, M.Ed. states, “Grief is like a swamp without a map.  It is easy to lose any sense of where you are going or where you have been.  In time, as you progress through the grief-swamp to the solid ground of a “normal” emotional state again, that hole will change from a bitter gap to a well of pleasant memories.” 

THE VALUE OF A PET (Perception)

No matter what anyone says, thinks or interprets, you have every right to grieve the loss of a pet.  The relationship is every bit as precious and meaningful as one you may have had with a person.  Like any relationship, love is an investment of emotions, with an unlimited potential for returns.  A good relationship with a pet has been shown to relieve stress, lower blood pressure, and give people a new purpose.  They allow us to nurture, be needed and reward us with unconditional positive regard and companionship even during the worse situations or events in our lives.  Pets are used widely in therapeutic situations to meet treatment goals (www.dogtalk.com / www.deltasociety.org).

 EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross lists the stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying as follows:  

1.      First Stage:             Denial & Isolation

2.      Second Stage:         Anger

3.      Third Stage:            Bargaining

4.      Fourth Stage:          Depression

5.      Fifth Stage:             Acceptance

Be mindful that there is no absolute pattern for grief and this pattern is experienced differently at various stages of life, from childhood through older adult.  One may be depressed before denying that one’s pet is ill, dying or passed on.  Everyone will experience these stages in different combinations and intensities. Your personality, the type of relationship one has with their pet, a personal situation at the time of death of a pet and cultural and religious beliefs all play a part in how each of us individually cope with pending loss and change. 

Each of us has our own individual, unique ways of coping with loss.  The important thing is to cope with the emotions and allow others to cope in their own special way.

When denied an outlet, emotions do not go way … they simply manifest in side of you, twirling around, looking for an outlet.  Emotions will find that outlet eventually and unexpectedly.  Unresolved or repressed emotions can keep one embittered and hurting for years.  Acknowledging these emotions is a good way to begin.  Writing your emotions can be cathartic … talking to supportive friends & family or seeking professional help are other ways to help you cope.

Denial may be one of the first defense mechanisms to help you on a brief, temporary basis.  It enables you to shift your attention, for the time being, away from emotions too painful to bear.  It is a mechanism that enables you to ignore reality.  The reality of impending death is often too painful to accept on a conscious level.  Denial is a way of avoiding mental anguish. 

You may need to keep yourself together for a variety of reasons (to work, to be the sole financial person, parenting, to drive home safely, to get food).  Eventually, you will need to deal with the reality and take time for yourself.   

It is a natural response to be angry when you have lost a loved one (pet or human).  We all look around for someone or something to blame.  If all of your energy is focused on anger, you will have little time to feel your pain.  Striking back can be gratifying, particularly if someone or a situation is to blame for your loss.  However, acknowledging your pain is an essential part of the grieving process. 

It is natural to ask, “why did this happen to me, my child or my pet?”  Why did s/he have to die?  Rationalizing that it wouldn’t have happened “if only I’d done this or they’d done that” may enter your thoughts.  This is normal.  Be with the thoughts.  It is natural to want to seek retribution if the death of a pet is malicious.  Always take-a-deep-breath and consider the circumstances and the outcome of whatever it is you choose to do.  Whatever your particular situation is … eventually you will need to come to terms with acceptance of emotions and loss.  Forgiveness is your choice, but acceptance will help you move on.

Depression can result from physical and emotional causes.  It can range from “feeling low … in a funk” to “emotional paralysis” (can’t get out of bed or function).  It can last a few days or drag on for weeks or months.

The loss of a pet is traumatic, painful and stressful.  It plunges a person into a whirlpool of emotions and one may want to withdraw from the rest of the world. 

Most of us have been in a situation following a death of a loved one where we feel that “no-one can possibly understand how we feel”.  It’s true!  No one can, but most people can empathize with your situation.  Moira Anderson author of “Coping with Sorrow” describes depression as being like “quicksand”.  You can feel as though you are slowly sinking.  Seek out help with supportive friends, family members or a professional who specializes in depression and understands the grieving for any species.

Sometimes, the death of a pet can be like a dam bursting.  Suddenly, floods of painful emotions that may have been bottled up for years explode.  For example, if your life is in turmoil or you are having problems in your career, family situations or a relationship, your pet may be the only stable companion in your life.  No matter how bad things get, your pet will offer unconditional acceptance & love.  Thus, the loss of a pet should be viewed in the context of your life at the time of the loss … not just as a single event. 

WILL I EVER GET PAST THIS?

Yes you will, in time.  Letting go and moving on belongs to you.  Life is too precious.  Time and your values (beliefs) will help with the grieving process.  Volunteering with others helps too.  Above all, honor your own individualism and choice of how to grieve.  Embrace the grief and emotions.  This is a good time to make peace spiritually with ourselves.  Like a wound, it may heal, but the scar will remain.  However, we do not need to focus on the scar everyday.  We just “know” it is there.  We transcend to a higher place where the thought of our pet is not one of grief, but of pleasurable memories; of experiences, as part of the circle of life.  Some of the steps to help you acknowledge your feelings about grief are:

Be prepared: if you know a pet’s death is imminent … prepare yourself & your family for the loss by sharing feelings:

•     Embrace your grieve … allow it

•     Create a journal, photo album and scrapbook to celebrate the pet’s life

•     Rearrange your surroundings

•     Change your schedule

•     Concentrate on surviving pets

•     Get another pet when you are ready, not as a replacement, but as an individual

•     Listening and talking to others who have experienced a similar loss can be helpful

•     Seek outside help if necessary

  WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN

When a child loses a pet either through death or divorce, parents (all adults) must be extra-sensitive.  I mention divorce because divorce is a kind of death of a relationship, and a way of being for couples and families.  Families grieve the loss of a lifestyle that was, while wondering what will be.  It can be a scary and confusing time wracked with emotions, especially fear of the unknown. 

How death is explained to children and how adult’s role model their own grief will leave a lasting impression on a child.  Age makes a difference:

• Children less than 5 years old usually don’t understand death and its permanency, so it’simportant to be concrete, but gentle.  Explain that Daisy isn't coming back.

• Children between 5 and 10 want all the gory details and often ask many questions.  They are curious!  Answer them truthfully and with as much information as you can.

• Journaling, photo albums and scrapbooks will help ease the pain and celebrate the pet’s positive memories.

• Children from 10 through the teenage years are generally capable of understanding the meaning of death and experience all of the emotions. 

• Teenagers may shuffle them off, but they are suffering too in their own private way.  Be patient.

It helps to put a closure on grieving eventually.  This can be done with a ceremony celebrating the pet’s life.  Many find solace in writing.  Others believe that their pets will be waiting for them at “Rainbow Bridge” to guide them on to another life’s journey.

There is no room here for those who intimidate or make you feel embarrassed.  Your expectations, beliefs and choices are yours and yours alone. 

 PETS AND DIVORCE

I have been involved as a counselor with families during therapeutic riding sessions, mediation and counseling sessions and in dog training.  One of the hardest times is when teenagers are off to college and have to leave their pets at home.  Fortunately, in these situations, the pets are usually loved and well taken care of, but this is still a huge transition to be mindful of. 

During divorce, parents are flooded with questions and decisions to be made for their and their children’s future.  In some states, families are mandated to attend mediation and for a good reason.  They need a place to sort this out with guidance.

One of the most poignant (and painful) experiences is when there are children and pets involved.  Having been a child of divorce myself, I am keenly aware of what my dog and other pets meant to me.  Some of the scariest moments of my life were “not knowing” whether my pets would be taken away from me.  I packed my little suitcase several times, not really knowing where I would go.  I was always sure of one thing:  my dog was going with me. 

In a child’s mind, the conflicts that arise from divorce are amplified very often as monsters.  The emotions are too complicated for any child to have to sift through on their own.  So many emotions are playing a part in the parent’s decisions on liabilities and assets.  Decisions around the parental and physical custody of the children are key elements of these proceedings.  Sometimes, albeit inadvertently, the child’s fears of being abandoned by one or both parents, and of losing their beloved and trusted pet, is ignored.  Very often, the children aren’t even asked or involved in the proceedings. 

I think this has to be a “must” consideration for all adults involved with children, divorce and pets.  The same emotions of hurt, anger, fear, abandonment, and that strong feeling of loss, need to be gently addressed in a way that a child understands.  They need a safe haven to express their feelings.  In that safe have, the children need their pet for support and safety.  At this point and in a child’s mind, they rely heavily on the unconditional support of their pet that sits and listens for hours.  The child trusts the pet, but may temporarily not be able to rely on support from emotionally distraught adults. 

Another consideration at the time of divorce is the role modeling of the parents and mediators, counselors or attorneys involved in the proceedings where children are present.  Be mindful that this is a huge transition for the child.  Depending on the age, it can be threatening, misunderstood or copied later on in life.  They are observing their parents and other people with decision-making “power”.  You want the child to know that their feelings and the care of their pets are being given “careful consideration”.  Ensure the children that everything possible is being done so their pets will remain with them.  If this isn’t possible, then gently explain the next best alternative. 

In my opinion, Pets with a capital “P” should be an integral part of the divorce proceedings, whether it is who will have physical care of the pets and/or who will cover expenses for their care.  If it is financially not possible, then the best alternative to the negotiated agreement needs to be gently expressed to the children. In my experience, usually one of the parents can and will take the pets if they have been alerted to the fact that this is very important to the child.

The trauma and grief that accompanies divorce affects the pets as well as the children.  When possible, the best situation is to keep the pets in one household, at least for a transition time or place them where they will be safe.  Otherwise, parents are not only dealing with emotional issues that go along with divorce, but the behavioral issues of a dog who simply can’t process all of these human emotions. 

Note:  In situations where children have been removed from parental care and placed in foster homes because of domestic violence, then the pets should be removed as well and put in a safe place.  It is a well-known fact that when a parent or child is being abused, chances are so are the pets  (www.thelathamfoundation.com).

Either way, pets are extremely important to the children’s over-all sense of well-being.  They are losing one or both of their parents and a lifestyle they have been accustom too.  If they lose their pet too … then what?

Very often, adults also latch onto the pet during times of separation and divorce.  The pet is the soft place to fall.  Be mindful of this.  I have worked in situations where the dog is now trying to fill the void as partner.  They do it extremely well, but it is not without a price.  Many dogs, in particular, become confused and, in some cases, overprotective.  A sweet mellow canine companion suddenly has to take on the responsibility of being therapist and protector.  They deserve to be allowed to be a dog once in a while.     

 TEN TIPS FOR HELPING OTHERS

1. Being there and being supportive can make a huge difference.  Listen.   Just saying “I can only imagine what you are going through; it is different and personal for all of us; I’ve lost a pet too” can help.  Encourage your friend to express grief … let them know it is okay, safe & confidential.

2. Act as a buffer … offer to accompany a friend to the Vet; with a memorial service; errands; offer to help cook dinner one evening.

3. If pets are involved in a divorce proceeding, offer to take the children or care for the pets.

4. Make yourself available without being pushy.

5. Make an effort to get your friend involved in other activities:  a movie, theater, yoga class, a cup of coffee, a gentle distraction.

6. Share any insights that you have gained on coping with grief after death or divorce.

7. Send a condolence card.  Make a donation in the pet’s name to an appropriate charity. 

8. Share your pet, if your friend seeks the desire for the company of another animal.

9. If you think it will be well received, use a special talent of your own to make a memorial for the friend  (frame a favorite picture, calligraphy, a poem, needlepoint).

10. Be understanding, especially if you are the employer of an employee who has lost a pet.  Be considerate and give them a day off and time to adjust to their loss. 

  PITFALLS / BLUNDERS TO AVOID / THEN LET GO OF

1.  Don’t rush out and buy your friend a new pet.  The selection of a new companion is a personal one.

2.  Saying “good-bye” happens in different ways for different people and their pets.  Avoid statements such as “you should have been there when s/he was put to sleep”.  This is a personal choice.  Sometimes being there for is the worse possible choice for the person and the pet. 

3.  Don’t force anyone into an action they are not ready for.   Just let them know that you are there and the door is open when they are ready.

4.  Don’t take it personally if your friend doesn’t want to come anywhere near your happy, bouncy, living pet.

5.  Don’t dismiss your friend’s pain with glib statements such as “time heals all wounds” or “you’ll get another pet” or “you’ll get over it”. 

6.  Don’t regale your friend with horror stories of a “friend’s pet who is dying of cancer”.  They don’t need any horror stories.  They are living through one.

7.  Don’t let yourself be sucked into family arguments.  Know your limitations.  If you sense that the loss of a pet is creating stress on family relationships, step back and lend your support from afar with sympathy cards, donations or phone calls.  You don’t deserve to be stuck in the middle.

8.  Don’t measure everyone’s experience by your own yardstick!  If a friend seems to be reacting differently from the way you reacted or whose grief is lasting longer than yours did, allow it!  If your friend is putting on a brave face, there are gentle ways to draw them out.  You might try sharing  “how you cried for three days when your dog died or how you thought the world was coming to an end.” 

9.  Some people are not aware that there are people like you who find grief over a pet loss acceptable.  Be helpful & supportive while being mindful that we all embrace grief differently.

10.  Consider all of the above as applied to families going through divorce, where children and pets are involved.

11.  Most of all, take a deep breath before you say anything and consider: “Would I like someone saying this to me at a critical and emotional time like this?” 

As you share someone else’s pain and empathize with their loss, you may wake up one day to find that you have passed through your own misery and come out a stronger, more understanding person for it.  It’s one more amazing and special benefit pets bring to our lives. 

www.dogtalk.com

www.newenglandpetpartners.org